and truth be told, you were the start of it all...

Last year I tried to commit suicide - and now I feel so fucking small to the people who know me, and know what I did... and the worst of it? I know that the reason's I had were bullshit... yes, I lost both my parents and my fiance, thats still no excuse... since then I have lost 2 uncles, my 26 year old niece and a brother and I have showed no signs of grief, much less anything else...

I have burned so many bridges over the last few years that I wonder if I will ever be able to make amends. I just wish that people like Ste Currell, Bob Gibbon, Ste Boagey and Les Barker knew that despite what they think, I am not the person they think I am, i'm just somebody who, through circumstances, happens(ed!) to have an alcohol problem and is trying like FUCK to sort it out - and that I still need them in my life... we were all friends for so long that it kills me to see them walk past me and give me dirty looks, or to hear about comments they make to other people. Truth be told, out of the origional gang, the only one left is Paul, a DJ in a local club... he has never judged me for what I tried to do (in fact, he visited me in the mental care ward) or for what has happened since - but then again, he has been through similiar... but without the nervous breakdown!

I need something soon, I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my life...