The Great Disapointment

I've seen 3 dead bodies in my short life, 2 belonged to my parents, the 3rd was my brother in law. I nearly joined them at the beginning of the year. When 'whatsername' left, 4 days of drinking vodka, taking drugs and not eating led to me making a few mistakes... namely half a litre of vodka and lots of prescription drugs. It led to me being admitted into a Mental Care Unit for nearly a fortnight due to me being considered a danger to myself...

Still don't know if I can trust myself in my own company...

'I can remember a place I used to go
Chrysanthemums of white, they seemed so beautiful
I can remember, I searched for the amaranth
I'd shut my eyes... to see

Oh, how I smiled then, so near the cherished ones
I knew they would appear... saw not a single one
Oh, how I smiled then, waiting so patiently
I'd make a wish... and bleed

While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away

I can remember... dreamt them so vividly
Soft creatures draped in white, light kisses gracing me
I can remember when I first realized
Dreams were the only place to see them

While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
Hope was wasting away
Faith was wasting away
I was wasting away

I never, never wanted this
I always wanted to believe
I never, never wanted this
How could I have become?
I never, never wanted this
But from the start I'd been deceived
I never, never wanted this
How could I have become?

I never, never wanted this
I always wanted to believe
I never, never wanted this
I never, never wanted this
But from the start I'd been deceived
I never, never wanted this

Inside a crumbling effigy
But you promised
So dies all innocence
But you promised me

While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
While I waited I was wasting away
Hope was wasting away
Faith was wasting away
I was wasting away'

Behind these hazel eyes

OK night last night. No action for me, came home alone again. Need to get some money from somewhere, totally broke, I make poor people look rich...

'Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong

Now I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on


Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Just seeing you it kills me now
No I don’t cry
On the outside anymore'

Since U been gone

Been thinking lately and realised that we never had a song... me and Vicky had a song, DJ Sammy - Heaven... me and Annemarie had a song... Doesn't make things easier, just makes me wonder.

Decen night up the club and if i'm not mistaken, the little dark 18 year old kept looking at me, probably just imagining it..

Practice tonight, gonna try some new stuff

'Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it? you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get
I get what I want
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone
Since you've been gone'

Best of you

I should be over her by now (here we go, drunken rambling time) but i'm not, there's not a day I don't think about her and miss her - I wish I could walk away as easy as she did... heartless little bitch...

'I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...'

Dethbed

Crap night up the club, no one was in so I had to sit with Kenn and Ally all night. Got drunk anyways so it doesn't matter...

Texted Trina and told her it's not wise for us to really see each other, we are both messed up and that wouldn't be a good combination.

Back to the gym today, hopefully that will get rid of some of this anger. Gonna cut back on the carbs again, getting a little belly...

Damn electrics went out in my new car yesterday, I have no stereo, dammit driving without music sucks...

'Calling all cars, all coroners, we got a dead one here
And anybody else receiving this, the west coast is far from clear
Like a time bomb, a sudden death
It's gonna find you when you least expect
It's gonna leave you the emptiest feeling inside

They found me face down in the street
On the night you left to find another place to sleep
In rain and regret
They said they tried everything but it was no use
Yeah, they tried everything and everyone but you

Falling like stars into the ocean black, we're gonna disappear
And anything left recognisable is swept away with fear
We got our hearts dipped in time release
We got the know-how and the elbow grease
We got our victim all cut up down here on the floor

They found me face down in the street
On the night you left to find another place to sleep
In rain and regret
They said they tried everything but it was no use
Yeah, they tried everything and everyone but you

...One but you
...One but you

They found me face down in the street
On the night you left to find another place to sleep
In rain and regret
They said they tried everything but it was no use
Yeah, they tried everything and everyone but you'

This is getting over you

Don't know what happened to me last night, had a decent night up the club, good rock band. Went to Rockies to meet fat Paul and had a good night in the Lighthouse. We left and went to the chinese and 2 lads were in there making there mouth go... I lost it big style and pummeled one of them.

Think i've damaged the hand I had the operation on because I can't move it...

what is wrong with me?

'today i woke up, younger than i've been in years.
not concerned with what's outside and peers,
i don't have any.
no one is my equal because i'm the king of rain.
controlling with my mood swings, threw a thunderstorm your way
drowning girls is a game i play.

today i woke up, more awake than i have felt in years.
not concerned with anything, no tears,
i'm done with that shit.
no one is your equal because you're the queen of pain.
controlling with my moods, i'm staring at my shoes while running away
drowning myself is a game i play.
drown myself away
drown myself away
goodbye

and this is getting over you
and this is getting over you
this is getting over you'