Saturday Nights Alright for...

whatever comes :-)

Drunk, and this is before I get to the town - don't care much really... plan on being a whore tonight, hopefully with some random.

Found an excellent blog today http://nondatinglife.blogspot.com/ This dude is a very insightful guy, and about as cynical about the whole scene as I am. Makes excellent reading.

Friday night lights...

Had a good night last night, what a difference no medication makes... was incredibly drunk though, drunk enough that I wanted to text 'whatsername', but I didn't - this week makes it 5 weeks since I have had contact with her... god I hate how easy she has found all this while inside I am slowly dying, everything about me is dying...

I thought Vicky might have been out last night but she wasn't, again i'm sort of glad - I might have said something I regretted and messed our new found 'friendship' up.

The calm before the storm...

Had a bad sleep, it was a sleep of dreams of 'whatsername' - still think loads about her, and it's not doing me any good. I wonder if it was for the reasons she gave that she left, I seriously doubt it - in my mind, there is someone else, seems to be the way she works...

' What you do on your own time's just fine.
My imagination's much worse, I just never want to know.
And what meant the world had folded like legs and fingers holding onto what escapes me; what he has: a better kiss that never lasts.'

Twice fucked twice shy...

Dammit, despite my creed today that I was not going to go back to the same woman more than once, tonight I went with Sarah again - vodka had a lot to do with it... well, that and the fact she said (LIES) that I was the best sex she had ever had... the funny thing is that my friends husband picked us up in the taxi - going to be plenty of stories flying about now :-)

The reason I hate Thursdays...

is because it's the first night of the week when 'whatsername' comes back into the town to work in the club she works - I just wish she would stay through Durham, why is she still hanging around here, who's it all for?? I always end up like this on a Thursday, dreading the fact that sometime over one weekend I will bump into her - I don't want to, I don't ever want to see her... fuck it, will just get wasted again!

Had a phone call today from one of the one night stands from the other week, she want's more, I don't - she is seeing someone and has a kid - plus i'm not that attracted to her anyway!

Went through Middlesbrough with our Anthony today and had a good few laughs, bought some new shoes because the ones 'whatsername' bought me are falling to bits (huh, just like everything about me and her...)

Going out tonight, just need a peaceful, yet full of femal attention, drinking session :-)

The Truth of my Youth

' There was a time and place,
Where I never thought,
I'd leave my own hometown,
But those days finally,
Are dead and gone,
It was never my intention to stay there,
Oh no,'

Getting tempted to rent a place in Billingham, this town holds nothing for me... might be the new start I need!

This Photograph Is Proof...

Booked my ticket to go and see Green Day down at Milton Keynes today - £36.50. The support acts are Taking Back Sunday, Jimmy Eat World and Simple Plan, should be a good gig!! My nephew, Anthony, wants to come as well so tomorrow we are going to book his ticket. We are travelling by coach so I can get wrecked, it's my only state of 'happiness'...

Not thought about 'whatsername' as much as usual today, but then again, i've kept myself busy, what with Billingham, Out J's birthday and then getting off my head on vodka - as I said, I have an addictive personality!

' Would you like to forget
would you like to forget
drop everything, start it all over
well, drop everything start it all over (would you like to forget)
drop everything start it all over
start it all...'

Happy Birthday J

It's our J's birthday today, gonna go to Billingham to get him something - don't know what though!! We are going to the 'Wacky Warehouse' where he is having a little party thing.

Didn't dream about 'whatsername' last night, she wasn't the first thing on my mind when I woke up - fingers crossed this is it!

I miss having someone here though and I hate coming home to an empty house, it's not a nice feeling :-(

Broken....

I know that I am broken - I am neither use nor ornament to anybody... I hope that one day this will change, but I doubt it. I am a very co-dependant person, be it relationships (whatsername, Vicky) or substance abuse (Vodka, cocaine, deca / sust) - for some reason, I feel like I need this pain that I put myself through, just so I don't feel so empty because there is nothing worse than feeling that way... except for being so empty, which I know I am... cest la vie!

'‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away'

The pro's and con's of breathing...

When I woke up this morning (well, 11:30am to be precise), my first thought(s) were not of 'whatsername' - i'm hoping this means I have turned a corner and can start to get on with my life. Oddly, my first thought was of Vicky - can't tell her that tho' can I? She's happy in a relationship...

Think we are going up the club on Friday before we go down the town, should be a laugh.

Been invited up to Workington to visit with Marty and Bernie, gonna go up for a weekend after JK's stag night - sample some Workington women :-)

The art of losing...

Only slightly drunk at the moment. Had an excellent practice and bought our John a pair of boots so he can try and get started again, it's his birthday next week so...

Still having thoughts about 'whatsername' over the stupidest of things - tonight it was finishing practice... I would have normally 'phoned her so she could get me a shower running. I hate missing her 'cos at the end of the day, she has found it so easy to forget about me so why should I care so much?

Started writing a new song today, 'The art of losing', so far I have...

'A thought crossed my mind today,
That you're never coming back,
I hate the day you walked out on me
And turned my world to black

And I never want to see your face again,
I want to hate you more than I hate myself
Guess i'm the king of the art of losing
I hope you hate me half as much as you hate yourself'

Could be an agry song in the making!

Grand Theft...

Our John mentioned a song a couple of weeks ago 'Grand Theft' by Fallout Boy and I totally forgot about it - just heard it on Kerrang and it's f'n awesome. Just downloaded a shedload of songs by them and they are prety damn good - ah well, theres another musical influence for me.

I need to write the final song to me and 'whatsername' - one I can put onto CD with the cover of 'Whiskey Rose' I am going to do - just to let her know how much I hate her, how much I love her and how much I miss her...

Sunday, the dead day of the week

God I hate Sundays. Woke up thinking about 'whatsername' again today, it's the worst was to wake up 'cos it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Think I dreamt about Vicky last night - was hoping she would be out, but she wasn't :-(

It's Mothers Day today - sleep tight mum, I miss you and love you.

Home Alone...

Well, this weekend was not a one of one night stands, last night due to those shitty tablets, this night due to... (me being an ugly bastard??) something else!

I miss her and I want to text her, want to see her but theres too much hurt in my heart to ever be took back - Vicky is more concerned about me than 'whatsername' is - I just wish she cared for me more than as a friend...?