All that i've got

Been out for lunch with our John and Sarah. I wish the likes of them, our Anth, jo etc would spend more time round here... the old bad memories are being replaced by good new ones. I'm hoping that re-decorating the flat may make it feel a bit more like home, because at the minute it's nothing more than 4 walls and a roof...

'You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.'

' So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
I sleep, I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I need something average
Someone please just give me
Hit me and knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can't laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, im losing weight and somebody
Eyes closed so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I....'

Going to John Kerry's wedding party tonight and hopefully round Stockton, not that I can afford it. This band project of mine has used every penny that I had, but i'm hoping it will be worth it. John went out today and bought himself an effects pedal and amp, about time too...

I don't know you anymore

Another night out last night, surprise surprise. The girls came round here beforehand and we went to the town. A couple of times during the night I got the feeling that Kelly wanted to ditch me and go their own way... so I did it instead. Bumped into Amanda again but she started being an arse so despite the fact I was considering bringing her back here, I walked away from her... just can't be done with people being dicks at the minute.

Was tempted to walk along to Coast... thankfully I didn't... it will happen though, one day I know it will happen :-(

'I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day '

The earth stopped cold at dawn

Typical weekend feeling... I miss her so much and I hate her for what she has done. I was thinking last night and she was very stand offish on New Years Eve in Coast - Just trying to remember which doormen were working to see who she has been through since then, fucking whore!

' Another tasteless movie
Another kiss goodnight
Could be a dark oasis in my life
Another icon smashed to pieces
By yesterday’s romance
Another hated person no more chances

Look at me when I’m talking to you
Look at me in the eyes
Then look away and tell me why...why

Playin’ with a happy boy
A cold place for a man
Familiar faces in a foreign land

The hands kept spinning around the face
But the earth stopped cold at dawn
For a moment, then moved on
For a moment, then moved on...'

Here's your letter

Been out today and sold the games consoles that 'whatsername' bought me... It should have made me felt good, instead I just felt sad, and it continued through the day...

Adam, my guitarist came round today and we laid a few guitar tracks down, i've got some vocal ideas to go with most of them... this band I want to work so much, just to be one in the eye for 'whatsername' - she never believed in me.... ever!!

' Oh fuck, I can't let this kill me, let go..
I need some more time to fix this problem,
I need some more time to fix this problem,
I need some more time to fix this.

I'm talking to the ceiling,
My life just lost all meaning,
Do one thing for me tonight,
I'm dying in this silence,
The last star left in Heaven,
Is falling down to Earth and,
Do you still feel the same way?
Do you still feel the same way?'

An ode to maybe

Dreamt of her again - why the fuck can't I just let this go... it's slowly (well, not so slowly) killing me inside, and it's starting to appear on the outside as well.

Probably not going out tonight so will be stuck in with captain vodka, so there will probably be frequent updates on here...

' If I could bottle my hopes in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach and they'd pay the rent
And I'd ride a horse, and I'd teach a course
On how I go to be a star crossed pimp
Get up, get up, yeah
Oh I might, gonna live forever boy
Tonight, oh you're a clever boy, well maybe
No you never say goodnight, oh I might
I might, well maybe
What you need I hope it finds you
Are you a clever boy, gonna live forever boy
Maybe some day you'll get it right
Oh I might'

Feel

Had a decent day yesterday with our Anth and a good night up the club. Was drunk, can't think of a better state of mind.

Went to go ice skating with Anth and Paul tonight but it was closed... so I am in here, getting drunk - what is with everyone mentioning 'whatsername' lately? Fucks sake, I just want to forget about the stupid little childish bitch!!

' I just wanna feel real love
Feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste

I just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It's a real big place'

I just wish I didn't miss her like I do...

Wish me well...

Pissed again, as if there is any other way for me to be?

Thought a lot about 'whatsername' today, had her name mentioned again by someone who should know better... I hate that name so much, it makes me want to puke.

' I've got to be me baby and you gotta be you
Something isn't right but I know I love you
I only want what's best
I don't know, is this some kind of test?
Yeah and you're failing, all we do is bicker
Say goodbye
Kiss my ass, I hope you die
Wish me well, you can go to hell
We were so different a short time ago
Love is suppose to make us happy, supposed to make us grow
But I just wanna punch you in the face
I love you I guess I needed the space
Oh well, another time and another place
Say goodbye
Kiss my ass, I hope you die
Wish me well You can go to hell'

Bought some more music equipment (PA), need to get my band started asap!!

Meant to live

Trashed a bottle of extra strong Polish vodka between me and our Anth last night then went to the snooker club. Was a cracking laugh but I feel shitty for what I ate yesterday... I should really learn that I need to stick to low carb :-/

Dreamt about her again last night and yet I still can't picture her face... I can picture her mum's face, her stepdad's face, all of her brothers and their girlfriends... but I can't picture her...

' Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside'

Let Go

Class night last night, me and our John went up the club. Me, Marty, Kev and Di went down the town as well and I was sort of dreading it - for some reason I had a thought that I was going to bump into 'whatsername'... thankfully, I didn't. Marty was nearly fighting with some lads over his son being arrested because of something one of their sons had done... had to stay and watch his back because Kev was too drunk to do it.

Going out today to try and buy a decent Mic and maybe a pop shield, socks over the mic just don't cut it.

' drink up baby down
mmm are you in or are you out?
leave your things behind
cause it's all going off without you
excuse me too busy
your writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like
so let go
jump in
oh well
whatcha waiting for?
it's alright
cause there's beauty in the breakdown'

Last but not least

Had a decent night up the club, the band were ok I suppose, if you like that kind of pop tat. Went down the town afterwards and stayed in Rockies, the barmaid in there is fine - haha, what is it with me and barmaids... guess it's because they give me alcohol :-)

Got a game today, this should be fun the way I am feeling at the moment.

At least I didn't live up to my prediction of going to Coast. I truthfully never ever want to see her face or hear her voice of treason again...

' My eyes tear the shade of red
I won't ever see you again
I guess it's for the best, because
I never want to see you with him

My ears bleed the shade of red
I won't ever hear you again
I'll never hear you say that you love him'