Laughter is the best medicine....

Been out this afternoon with my nephew, Anthony. People say he is a little version of me and we just ripped into everyone we saw - was a good laugh.

Bought myself a few new tops, retail therapy... not sure if I will suit 2 of them but who gives a fuck? Fancy flirting about a bit tonight, just for the craic!!

Rock and Roll rehabilitation rules...

Drink as much as possible, flirt with as many women as you can... them are the only rules... and yes, it does rule! I seem to be attracting quite a lot of younger women lately, giddyup!

Haha, looks like I might be able to sell this new laptop for £600, and buy a cheaper one. Hopefully!!

2 hours 'til alcohol time again...

Been out and bought a little amp for the guitar my nephew gave me, not a bad sound out of it. I'm determined to learn how to play both the guitar and the keyboard... might give me something to do I s'pose.

Pam the warden today said I seemed like my old self when she visited, funny what a one night stand can do for you isn't it - will have to have a few more :-)

Got my 'new' laptop, it's not bad, it'll do the job.

All women are evil revisited...

Had a one night stand tonight, with one of my nephews ex's no less... she is 20, gorgoeus and attached, in fact she has a kid and yet not one of those things stopped her from making her moves on me - we talked about 'whatsername', talked about her partner but at the end of the day, we still fucked each other - and I feel no guilt at all... I feel nothing...

Passion...

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping. Waiting. And though unwanted, unbitten, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love. The clarity of hatred. And the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'll know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'll be truly dead."

This was Angelus' soliliquy in one episode of 'Buffy', and it is true, right to the very end - as hurt and wounded as I am, I still want to find something, i'm not going to call it love so i'll call it companionship, I thought for the first time in my life I had actually found love and believed in love, now I see I was a fool, never again!

Theres a cold winter coming this year, theres a cold winter coming

It's absoloutely freezing today, to the point that I have had to turn the radiator on in my office, the radiator that has not been on for years 'cos it's next to my computer rig... better than dying of pneaumonia tho'

Can't stop listening to 'Whiskey Rose', it's just so good, NFG are impressing me more and more as time goes by... and they won't be touring again for a while which sucks, ah well, will definately have to get tickets to go and see Green Day at Milton Keynes - they are being supported by Taking Back Sunday and Jimmy Eat World.

This week would have seen the birthdays of both of my parents so me and one of my sisters are going to the cemetary to put some flowers on the grave.

All women are evil, and there is no exception...

It was proved to me when one night, in a moment of weakness, I texted 'whatsername' and told her the truth, that I believed there was more to 'our' breakup than she ever said... that to me, there was someone else and her only retort was 'why dont you go and see Vicky, then again, she doesn't want you does she' - Vicky is my ex who is now in a happy, decent relationship... also the Ex that 'whatsername' was paranoid about for so long, to the point that we argued a few times over her... 'whatsername' is basically a selfish, heartless bitch who is out for nothing more than her own self preservation... at the cheapest cost - in reality, a fucking whore!

Whiskey Rose

Pretty uneventful day so far. Watched a film, my future guitarist came round and jammed a bit, discovered an amazing New Found Glory song 'Whiskey Rose'

' yes i got your address from a friend
it was a matter of life and death
something i needed off my chest
so can we meet tonight

but i don't wanna fight
don't wanna leave till we're alright
remembering everything that was said
remembering went right straight to my head

then there's regret
that we don't have
but it comes down to saying it

no you don't have the minute to spare
no you don't think we need to repair
all those things that we are missing
cause you know there's something missing

i sit and watch the clock on the wall
as it counts down the end of my life
it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
like sending letters with no reply

but i don't wanna fight
don't wanna leave til we're alright
remembering everything that was said
remembering went right straight to my head

then there's your regret
that we don't have
and it's your voice
that i don't hear
and it's the life
we could have had
but it comes down to saying it

no you don't have the minute to spare
no you don't think we need to repair
all those things that we are missing
cause you know there's something missing

i am the culprit in all of this
i deserve this but
to be honest
i'm ready
to take back everything i said
it was all just in my head
it was all just in my head

no you don't have the minute to spare
no you don't think we need to repair
all those things we are missing
cause you know there's something missing'

Sums up 'whatsernames' attitude to what we had perfectly, love the bit in bold - it makes me think of her, but in a bitter sweet way - I just don't understand how she could be so heartless!

Anyways, going out tonight (surprise surprise) so that is something.. well, it's my only thing!

Constant Static

Finally got sorted for a part ex on my laptop. Partly 'cos I need the money and partly 'cos it is grossly overpowered for what it is used for. I't a P4 3.06, 512 ram, Dual Layer DVD Writer... and I use it to chat on MSN and for overnight downloads. I'm swapping it for a Celeron 2ghz laptop and £300 cold hard cash... that should help me out a bit.

Happened upon a blog today that made me sad, it's a girl of unspecified age who cut's herself 'cos she feels so lonely and sad all the time - as depressing reading as it was, my thoughts really went out to her.

Watched a film today called 'Sideways' - it's about 2 dudes going on a road trip 'cos one is getting married and the other is his best man, the other being divorced and still very messed up - at the end, the divorced one saw his ex wife, who is now re-married and pregnant and was ok with it all... it was a nice positive message, but not one I can truly believe in at the moment - I don't want to see her, I don't want to hear from her, I don't want to think about her, I just want this pain in my soul to stop...

Something I call personality

Oh it fucks me off so much... as per usual, I have been out on the drink tonight and during the night, in between being sober and drunk, my thoughts turned to 'whatsername'... and it pisses me off bigstyle that I never saw how much I was being taken the piss out of by her. Silly little things, damn stupid big things, and yet I was blind to them - there is a lot of me now that hates her for what she has done and yet there is a big part of me that still loves her, and that fucks me off... 'cos it's wrong!

' Wake up, cold coffee and juice,
Remembering you, what happened to you.
I wonder if we'll meet again,
And talk about life since then,
And talk about why did it end'

Stereophonic - Dakota

Brain Stew

Been thinking today and a few things don't add up - why did she always put her phone on silent on a night... was she getting text messages? It was funny she left the very week that I told her she would have to start paying something towards food and the house - and she wonders why I think of her as nothing more than a money grabbing whore?

God I need a drink!

It's been a summer...

Time to start the story I guess.

My neice used to work in a nightclub behind the bar with one of the cutest barmaids I had ever seen, she was stunning and looking at her made me forget to breathe. One day I got a text message asking if I wanted a date with her, of course I jumped at the chance. We went out and hit it off straight away. She told me damn near straight away that when she was 13, she was abused sexually by her father - this didn't affect me as much as I though it would have. She was there for me during a lot of bad stuff, like the death of my mother (who I found) and we eventually moved in together. Things were good and as with all couples, we had stupid little arguments over nothing. The change came about October last year when she was at court against her father... and he got off with it. This led to a change in her that resulted in 'the end'. I think from then that she decided she wanted to be alone and on the next argument we had (which led to me sleeping in the spare room), she left the next day saying that she loved me but wasn't stable enough to take any arguments anymore.

I don't believe her for a couple of reasons... If she loved me, she would still be here, if she loved me why did she intentionally start the argument that night? - she was looking for an excuse to leave, if she loved me why didn't she even try to find out how I was when I had a nervous breakdown?

The best part of a year and a half wasted and ruined - thank you very much Stacey Bellamy!

Once more with feeling

'I touch the fire and it freezes me.
I look into it and it's black.
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel!
I want the fire back!'

Sums me up totally at the minute. I know the fire has gone out of me, ever since 'whatsername' (Stacey) left me. There we go, we have progress, you now know her name, it;s the name of evil, the name of my heart being stomped on, the name of my angel... it's just a shame she stopped beleiveing that :-(

When is a few drinks too much?

A friend of mine from my hockey team came around today and a couple of times made comments about my drinking habits - it's the first time somebody outside of the family has made a note on it. I don't think I have a major drink problem - it just helps to numb the pain a bit, and that helps me to sleep ergo, it helps me. When you spend all day just pottering about doing nothing, seeing no-one, you need something... anything to make life a little more bearable - for me, it's going out and getting drunk - is that so wrong?

Paradise by the Sunday night

Typical Sunday night really... up the club for several quantities of vodka, watching some dodgy band that deep inside, I know I can do way better than - tonight it was 2 out of 3, a meatloaf tribute band no less... and the vocalist, Paul Murphy, Murray(?), didn't seem to give a shit about what he was singing - it was a case of, yes, you have come to see us, now worship us, clap with us, cos you are all drunk and have no idea what good music is...

I so need to get my new band project off the ground.. a decent rock band...

Song for today is 'Dakota' by The Stereophonics.. this song kicks ass!

To sleep perchance to dream...

Last night my neice took an overdose, 'luckily' it was ephedrine otherwise she would still be in the hospital now. I stayed with her all night in the Accident and Emergency ward and got back home roughly 9 o clock this morning. I've just woken up and feel a little bit refreshed - her reasons? What other...? she and her partner, Alex, split up a while back and she was thinking about him, and drinking... a lethal combination in this family. They were together for 7 years and have a child together, Our Jordan - he's a little cutie (takes after his mother). He treat her like crap for the most part, cheated on her countless times and caused a lot of problems between me and her (also between me and 'whatsername' as well but thats a story for another time). She knows deep down that she is better off without him but that doesn't stop the burning in the stomach does it? Nothing does...

Zen and the art of not texting 'whatsername'

It's been 2 weeks exactly since I last texted 'whatsername', tonight is a make or break thing for me... i've had vodka... a lot of vodka, and I am continuing to drink it due to the fact that I still want to text her... but if I do, I am just opening myself to more heartache than I can handle - I love her, more than I love life itself, but she fucked me over bigstyle and that is something that cannot be forgiven or forgotten.

I know there are other women out there, I had 2 chances tonight - one on a plate, but it just doesn't feel right at the minute, at least not with the 2 who were there - whats that all about?

First Entry

First entry on my new blog then eh? The last time I did one of these was under similiar circumstances... women problems. This time has been much more serious tho' involving a nervous breakdown and other things that I am not yet prepared to talk about.

Plans for the blog? Talk shit, maybe post bits of my lyrics - been writing a lot of 'angsty' stuff lately, all in preperation for my new project....... wait for it...... a *rock* band :-)

I'm 33, male and live in the united kingdom... by myself... thats the hardest part of adjusting to single life - the lyrics from Good Charlottes 'Ghost of You' put it perfectly

' A ghost of you is all that I have left
it's all that I have left of you to hold
Awake in the night to find there's no one there but me
and nothing left of what we were at all

So here I am pacing around this house again
with pictures of us living on these walls
I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering
I'm wondering if it's you that I feel
If it's you that I feel here haunting me forever'

Sad stuff eh?

Gonna leave it at that for the first entry, hopefully I will open up more as time progresses... this is about venting after all.