The 'friend' zone...

Our Jo and Kelly came back here after the town last night (this morning). We were talking about all sorts and Kelly said that she did say she liked me (well, she said I was 'stunning') but she now considered me to be part of 'the family' - ha, thats the oldest one in the book... 'I like you as a friend...' christ, i've done it myself many a time, I know exactly what it means... it means 'oh christ, I was a little bit drunk last night and did / said something I now regret, lets get out of it the easy way'

Revieved a letter today from teh housing association my flat belongs to, it's a warning about 'antisocial behaviour'. The old nosy bitch upstairs has complained that my guests make too much noise... thats fucking rich coming from someone who will do the washing at 4 in the morning. I'm going down on Monday to put an official complaint in about her nosiness and the noise she makes.

Here by me

Had a text to see if Jodie and Kelly were coming round tonight, I just assumed cos I had heard nothing, they weren't bothering. I was (am?) going to go up the club then hopefully down to the town with Marty and Kev. Treat myself to some new jeans and another denim jacket today.

Tried to keep busy to not think about 'whatsername', tomorrow should be different, going out round Stockton and hopefully taking Angels, the lapdancing club in...

' I hope you're doing fine out there without me,
cause I'm not doing so good without you.
The things I'd thought you'd never know about me,
were the things I guess you always understood.
So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
I guess I only see the truth through all this fear...living without you.'

Drawn Out

' and its all drawn out
there's nothing inside
and nothing to hold
nothing to find
and its wearing me out
this feeling inside
and its all drawn out
its all drawn out
I'm all drawn out'

Going under...

Things are getting dangerous for me at the moment, i'm getting into a very dodgy frame of mind, the kind where I could quite easy pack up and fuck off... anywhere - there is nothing here for me, nothing at all.

Again, woke up with thoughts of 'whatsername' - I just wish I could forget about her...

' blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
so i don't know what's real and what's not
always confusing the thoughts in my head
so i can't trust myself anymore
i'm dying again'

Everybody's Fool...

I can't stop thinking about her, and yet I hate her with all my soul - is this what 'love' is all about?? She betrayed me despite saying it was something she would never do, then again, she is a woman and they all lie.

' Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she

Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore'

Everybody came round to the flat tonight, it's good to know at the end of the night that they all (even my family), use me as somewhere to come and get drunk... I don't think (one way or another) I am going to be here that long enough for them to take the piss anymore... would be a great sweet release.

What makes me laugh is as beautiful as Kelly is (always comes down to a woman, they are mans downfall), she isn't that 'attractive'... she has a very ascerbic personality - she always seem to want set people off against each other, some might say a typical woman!

FUCK THE LOT OF THEM!!!!! THERE IS NOBODY WORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT!!!!!!

Out of this world...

Been to the snooker centre tonight with our John and Anth, had a laugh, had lots of vodka... ermm, about a bottle??

' Are you drowning or waving
I just want you to save me
Should we try to get along
Just try to get along

So we move we change by the speed of the choices that we make
And the barriers are all self-made
That's so retrograde'

Thought about 'whatsername', still miss 'whatsername', 'whatsername' has been called tarty today by a couple of friends of mine... and they also said that they never thought she was good enough for me - what do I know though??

Always

If I close my eyes, I can't even picture 'whatsernames' face anymore and I don't know whether that is a good or bad thing. I do still love her and miss her with all of my (broken) heart and I know that is the wrong way to be feeling - after all, it's not the way she is feeling, wouldn't surprise me if she is already shacked up with somebody else...

' And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real

So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready'

A year under the influence...

One way or another, every day of this year I have been 'on a high', be it alcohol (lots of), prescribed medication or any other means, I have not had a 'sober' night this year... I know it's not doing me any good, but it is doing what I want, it's killing the pain I have in my soul and in my heart. I can honestly say that I have never been the kind of person who could give myself away to one person... I was your typical male whore, giving any female who looked at me, whatever she wanted... that was until 'whatsername' - I gave her everything that I could, everything she wanted, and yet that wasn't enough for her, she is the reason I have a drink problem (yes, I admit that I have a problem) but does she care? i should be so fucking lucky!!

' Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
She's in my head
From so long ago'

Whispers and Moans...

The meeting at Inbiz today went ok - basically, I need to get a sicknote to cover the time of my breakdown. I'm planning on keeping my business going.

Me and our Anth went to the snooker centre today, had a few drinks, a few games of snooker and a damn fine laugh. Our Jodie and Kelly came round a bit later, as did our John and Adam. Kelly is absoloutely soul stealingly beautiful - it annoys the piss out of me that our Wendy said that she was interested in me when she wasn't - I managed to make a complete cock out of myself over that issue... after the whole 'whatsername' issue, the last thing I wanted was to make a tool out of myself over another woman, no matter how fine!!

We all ended up back at the flat again, having a few drinks (ha!) and many a laugh - I like it when this happens, even if there is only a couple of us because it (temporarily) kills the empty feeling I get when I am in here alone...

'We are the mirrors
Are the mirrors of each other in a lifetime of suspicion
Cleansed in a moment of recognition
You gave your life for it
Worth it’s weight in gold'

Whats _that_ all about...?

My two night stand has been trying to phone me all morning, why can't she just take the hint and not do that!

Got a meeting with Inbiz today, not looking forward to that. Going through to Stockton or somewhere with our Anth, don't know why really, I have no money...

It's all about the....

Had a good day today, been out and about with our Jodie and our Anth - basically we ripped into everyone we saw, d'you know why??? COS WE CAN!!!!

Had a laugh up the club as well, was sat with Marty and Kev, Marty used to be head doorman at Caspers when our kid worked there, and again, it was just a piss take, it's fun being a cynical, sarcastic SOB!!