and truth be told, you were the start of it all...

Last year I tried to commit suicide - and now I feel so fucking small to the people who know me, and know what I did... and the worst of it? I know that the reason's I had were bullshit... yes, I lost both my parents and my fiance, thats still no excuse... since then I have lost 2 uncles, my 26 year old niece and a brother and I have showed no signs of grief, much less anything else...

I have burned so many bridges over the last few years that I wonder if I will ever be able to make amends. I just wish that people like Ste Currell, Bob Gibbon, Ste Boagey and Les Barker knew that despite what they think, I am not the person they think I am, i'm just somebody who, through circumstances, happens(ed!) to have an alcohol problem and is trying like FUCK to sort it out - and that I still need them in my life... we were all friends for so long that it kills me to see them walk past me and give me dirty looks, or to hear about comments they make to other people. Truth be told, out of the origional gang, the only one left is Paul, a DJ in a local club... he has never judged me for what I tried to do (in fact, he visited me in the mental care ward) or for what has happened since - but then again, he has been through similiar... but without the nervous breakdown!

I need something soon, I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my life...

But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning...

Had an email from the guys who are looking to start a band... they like my voice and want to arrange a meeting with me, them and a potential guitarist. I want to... no, I need to get back into the music scene - i've fuck all else going on in my life at the moment but the love of music... and singing!

Still getting indigestion but not as much - changed my diet back to low carb and it seems to ease things... I know it's an ulcer and that drinking excaserbates them... I have cut back as much as I can at the moment, if Mr Ulcer doesn't like it - he can kiss my arse until I can do better!!

Just watched a documentary on Britney Spears and although not being one of the 'teeny bopper' generation, I can appreciate that the girl has talent. Stacey, my ex, hated Britters because I always found her as sexy as fuck... it seems that most haters of Mrs (EX TO BE) Federline are women who are jealous that her squeaky clean (YEAH RIGHT!) image is attractive to men...

Me and Adobe Audition are getting along well, not only can I arrange music and record vocals with it - it is a complete musical editing suite including reverbs, compressors and every other piece of equipment I paid a giant amount of money for last year. I am planning on recording a couple fo songs so watch this space... it will happen but I have that much work on trying to get my whole flat decorated for Christmas - there may not be anybody here to share it with me but this year, I am going to have a 'proper' Christmas in my flat...