What went wrong?

Excellent night last night, if not cheap. Not a bad little night out is Newcastle, could be tempted again :-)

Night out with what is left of the lads tonight - should be fun to see if Ste say's anything about his dick of a wife!

' I'm sick of always hearing all those sad songs on the radio
All day it is there to remind an oversensitive guy that he's lost and alone, yeah
I hate our favorite restaurant
Our favorite movie
Our favorite show
We would stay up all through the night
We would laugh and get high and never answer the phone

I can't forgive
Can't forget
Can't give in
What went wrong, cuz you said this was right
You fucked up my life

I'm sick of always hearing sappy love songs on the radio
This place, it's fucking cursed in its plague
And I could never escape when my heart it explodes'

This is how a heart breaks

Cracking night last night - was wasted and hardly spent any money? Going to Newcastle tonight with the lads from Hockey for Scoot's birthday - thats going to be fun... will have to stick around with Jamie, he has all the patter :-D


' Don't you wanna go for a ride
Down to the other side
Feels so good you could cry
Now won't you do what I told you
I remember when you used to be shy
Yeah, once we were so fine
You and I why you gotta make it so hard on me

And I'm sorry but it's not a mistake
And I'm running but you're getting away

You're not the best thing that I knew
Never was never cared too much
For all this hanging around
It's just the same thing all the time
Never get what I want
Never get too close to the end of the line
You're just the same thing that I knew back before the time
When I was only for you'

Something to Be

Well, agreed to a night out round the 'toon tomorrow, just because I am feeling a bit melancholy... it is the start of the weekend after all. Going out tonight, just because I can.

Maria has been texting me today accusing me of being childish because I am unable to pay her £100 in one go - and she resorted to name calling... I find it funny when a supposed 'friend' resorts to stuff like this.. fuck her, and as I have said before - he starts, fuck him too!

' Hey man
Play another one of those heartbreak songs
Tell another story how things go wrong
And they never get back
My pain is a platinum stack
Take that shit back
You don't wanna be me when it all goes wrong
You don't wanna see me with the houselights on
I'm a little too headstrong
Stand tall
I don't wanna get walked on

I can't stand what I'm starting to be
I can't stand the people that I'm starting to need
There's so much now
That can go wrong
And I don't need somebody
Trying to help it along
It's the same old song
Everybody says you've been away too long
Everybody wanna take you what went wrong
Wanna make you like an icon
Till you believe that they're right'

I am an illusion

Had a good practice tonight for the trio. At first both me and our Jo seemed to be a bit 'mic shy' for some reason... then it all changed. I actually liked the sound of my voice on some of the songs tonight, specifically 'Lonely No More' by Rob Thomas and 'Almost Here' by Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem - it's unusual for me to like something about myself as well!!!

Don't think I will be going to Newcastle on Friday, will be too expensive - that one night would take the money I will spend on a full weekend here... ah well, time will tell I guess.

Still poorly, this thing ain't going away and it hurts.

' I am the damage
I am the relief
Sometimes I'm people
I never hoped that I would be
If I take in whatever they turn out
What's that gonna make me now
Don't you understand

I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion

Wrong step
We got off track
We need someone to help us get back now
Worn thin
Awful state I was in
I believe they were fooling me
Now I'm down
I am down'

Demons

Everything seems to be getting me down lately, I just wish I could up roots and fuck off somewhere... but as I learnt at the beginning of the year, thats something I can't do for some reason... probably lack of balls.

Still feeling crappy, my chest is getting no better. Going to have to try the doctors again today and explain how bad it's getting.

Not even looking forward to practicing tonight. Might call it off.

' I searched my world but I can't find you
You're standing there but I can't touch you
Try to talk but the words are just not there
I can feel a sense of danger
You stare at me like I'm a stranger
Paralyzed and you don't seem to care
The demons in my dreams

If you become a nobody
Blind, to your family
Who would you be?
And life has gone into reverse
Re-living every hurt
Along the way

Everything that you fear is calling you and drawing near'

Tornado

Good practice tonight, despite being unwell.

Dropped the laptops off for Maria tonight and she texted me later saying they weren't worth the money... gonna tear her a new arse tomorrow... she fucked me over by saying I had agreed to get them, and is now trying to fuck me over again by saying they weren't what she asked for. Fuck her - if it comes between mine and Ste's friendship? fuck him too!

Still feeling melancholy... I know I still miss her and i'm trying not to think of her but she was such a big part of my life... I FUCKING HATE STACEY BELLAMY!!

'I wonder how you can sleep
At night, having lied to these eyes
You could feel the relief
The lying awake at night
Wondering nowhere the same time
To know his face and his name
Made me lose my mind
I fell apart for the last time
These eyes neglected to see it
Now they see you
My conscious finally feels clean

I brought you into this
You blame me over that
We fight each others accusations
You wanna know the truth
The truth is I'm afraid
Afraid of going nowhere always
Writing on the wall
Love once strong now falls
Burning in the flames
Covered with the scars of our love'

On My Own

Still feeling poorly and still can't get in the doctors. Get my first jab today, decided I am going to do 200mg of Deca a week and 5 D-Bol a day. Should lead to some good gains and mask the pain in my wrist. Got plenty of steak and chicken left so will eat all that and add tuna mayo and egg mayo to boost my protein intake.

I'm having to think about looking for work. Might run along the entertainment route, karaoke's, solo artist thing 'til the trio and band get sorted. I need to do something to earn some of the money back that I have spent.

Going to spend a bit of time later with my keyboards, see if I can come up with some string progressions for Ad to lay some light guitar over - feeling a little down at the moment, maybe I can capitalise on that?

' see all those people on the ground
wasting time
try to hold it all inside
(but just for tonight)
on top of the world
sitting here wishing the things i've become..
but something is missing
maybe i..
what do i know?

and now it seems that i have found nothing at all
wanna hear your voice out loud
slow it down, slow it down

without it all, i'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head, and i'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing it all
on my own..

without it all, i'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head, and i'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing it all
on my own..'

Counting the days

Good weekend up Edinburgh. Felt kind of awkward at first due to most people being there with partners but it was a laugh. Was immensely wasted last night and spent way too much money but what the hell eh?

Some random bird came up to me, insisted on buying me a drink and then dissapeared, she was very, very nice as well!!

Ah well, back to the normal grind of life now....

' So here I go and there you went...again
Just another stupid thing that I done wrong.
Locked up in my head, knocked down, beaten, left for dead
With all those brilliant things I should have said.
I gotta get away, and find something to do
'Cause everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you.


Still counting the days I've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4...
Still counting the days that you've been gone. So here I go and there you went...again
Just another stupid thing that I done wrong.
Locked up in my head, knocked down, beaten, left for dead
With all those brilliant things I should have said.
I gotta get away, and find something to do
'Cause everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you.'