Here comes horses

My money never got paid into my bank account tonight, which makes me £25 overdrawn. If I find out it is due to Currell and his wife claiming that I am running a 'thriving' business, I will knock him (and god forbid it, i've never said this before) her through every single wall I can find. I am seriously fucked financially as it goes without fucking idiots like them two claiming they know what is going on in my life - that two faced, lying piece of shit hasn't spoken to me for over a year... how can he claim he knows what I am doing and what my financial situation is?? Yes, I have that a thriving business that I am in danger of losing my flat, can't afford to petition for bankruptcy, have no food in my flat, have been living on soup and fish fingers (which I hate, but are cheap) and am constantly sent letters from the _real_ people whom I owe money to... If you ever read this Currell, I owed you £300 from when my mum died... I owe £16,000 to other people... and yet I have, as you put it, 'substanstial assets'? Fucking clueless piece of shit! Tell you what, maybe I will do what you have done and fake 3 accidents at work and claim for them so I can get holidays abroad..? you are the biggest, lying piece of waste I have ever have the 'un'privelidge of calling a best mate... fuck you!

At the court tomorrow for Stee over the night he got arrested. He's picking me up in 6 hours. He's looking at a custodial sentance which is a pile of shite, then again, thats the way the UK justice system goes..... He's slightly rambunctious, but the way he was treat by the officers that night was shit... not that it will matter tomorrow, it's our word against theirs!

' Help me to remember girl if you don’t mind
Well I feel just like the jester when the music died
Haven't seen you lately,
But I know that nothing's changed

Feeling kinda shaky but the wounds have healed
There's a crack there in the doorway where the walls have peeled
And I still see the sunrise, on a clear day

Here comes horses
There goes the rain
Here goes nothing, here it comes again

I was thinking I was angry but I'll let it go
I was waiting on a miracle but nothing showed
And they say our new messiah
He's at the local bar

Greetings from the homefront have you heard the news
That daddy bet his paycheck on the horses shoes
And we won't feel that way for a long long time

Sitting in a taxi at the evenings end
I was trying to remember where it was I'd been and
Whether I've got someplace to be

I ask you why you come here you say just because
I guess I could do without it if I knew what it was well
It really doesn't matter, when you look at me that way'

Passive

Tuesday gone, the barmaid who I have had a major thing for, was in my local... and she sent me a drink down... and she came and talked to me for about 45 minutes... but at the end of it, she was asking about James... as usual, she was using me to try and get with a friend of mine. Me, Sam (the barmaid) and Stee went down to the town. In the taxi, Sam's hand was all over my legs, and she grabbed my hand at a couple of points, when we got to the town, she was flirting with other blokes, but she kept coming back to where we were, mainly when she wanted a drink because I was stupid enough to keep buying her them, then she disapeared with some dude (and she is supposed to be seeing someone???).

On Thursday, Stee, a good friend of mine (we've had the odd problem, but I consider him one of my best mates at the moment!), made me face my major problem and go into where Stacey works... And I looked at her and felt nothing, she looked nothing like I remembered, and I didn't even find her attractive! Doesn't stop the fact that my life is fucked up and I can never trust anybody again due to the lying, manipulative bitch!

Stacie, the 19 year old was out on Friday, same old shit, feeling sorry for herself and coming up to me all the time. She's a nice looking lass, just off her fucking head and the last thing I need at the minute is a female version of me! Vicky was in the Lighthouse, with some dude who I am sure was not her boyfriend... she made no move to talk to me, or even aknowledge me, and I know she knew I was in there, because her sister, Leanne saw me... oooh, look, another woman who is full of fucking shit :-/

Tonight I realised (again) about a 'so called' friend of mine, Mick... truth be known, he is no friend. I've had enough of playing 'nicely nicely' with people who aren't worth the fucking effort... I've always been the person who wanted to stay in 'sweet' with everyone. FUCK THAT!

I'm not even gonna make an effort to go out anymore, there is no point. From now on, it's gonna be me and a bottle of vodka, in my cold, dead, empty flat... it's where I belong, it's where I feel most at home...

In serious financial trouble, can't afford the bankruptcy fee, every aspect of my life is spiralling down...

This time last year, I was in the mental care unit, the way things are going, I may end up in a worse place....

' Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up, and face me
Don't play dead, cause maybe
Someday I'll walk away and say
You dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up(why can't you)
And face me (come on now)
Don't play dead(don't play dead)
Cause maybe(cause maybe)
Someday(someday)
I'll walk away and say
You dissapoint me

Maybe you're better off this way
You're better off this
Maybe you're better off

Wake up(why can't you)
And face me (come on now)
Don't play dead(don't play dead)
Cause maybe(cause maybe)
Someday(someday)
I'll walk away and say
You fucking dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead(GO!)
I know that you can hear this(GO!)
Go ahead and play dead(GO!)
Why can't you turn and face me(GO!)
You fucking dissapoint me!

Passive agressive bullshit'